What about Bob

As I boarded the plane proudly holding my "A" boarding pass I had the same thought I always do while boarding the plane; "I sure hope the flight isn't full." I was however flying back from Las Vegas on a Sunday night, on Southwest airlines on the last flight home, yeah right. After 3 whole steps onto the plane I hear the dreaded news..."Ladies and Gentlemen this will be a full flight so please utilize the space under your seats..." blah blah blah.

I hop in my seat, and proceed to avoid eye contact with everybody at all costs. The plane begins to fill up, so far the seat next to me remains empty. At the last second my luck comes to an end. A very large man comes waddling down the isle, and gets in the seat next to me. To further add to the fun he asks..."Mind if we put this arm rest up so I have more room?" And by more room he means he'd like the arm rest up so his massive girth can encroach on MY seat. "Ummm no, sorry buddy, the arm rest stays down." Once he settles into his seat, and lops over into mine he pulls out a bag of chips and begins to strap on the ole feed bag. Naturally we haven't even left the gate yet which means very little air is circulating throughout the plane. So while he's doing serious damage to the potato chips (and we're not talking about the snack size bag here) his smell begins to waft over my way even more. I suddenly lost my appetite for the in-flight peanuts and also begin to contemplate how much more comfortable my flight could have been from the cargo hold. After Big Ole Bob has shoved multiple fist-fulls of chips into his mouth while also letting the crumbs fall all over himself he decides he might as well check his iphone before we push back. Now keep in mind he's had his paws in the bag of potato chips several times now and he's good and greasy so you guessed it, he drops the cell phone on the floor between the very small space between the two of us. Well, fan-freaking-tastic!! This guy was so freaking big he could barely fit down the isle to even get to the seat. I knew what was coming...there was NO WAY he could bend over and pick up his cell phone. So yep, you guessed it...he asks me. "Hey pal...I've got a bad back and can't really bend over. Would you mind handing me my cell phone?" Really??? the bad back is what's preventing you from bending over? Sure it is.

After all of this Big Ole Bob decides he's a bit warm. He reaches up to open his vent. Now to give you the full visual...Big Ole Bob is rocking out in a t-shirt that looks about 2 sizes to small for him. So when he reaches up for the air vent this does a wonderful of exposing his armpit to those nearby. Now there is no way I want the in-flight peanuts and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need a barf bag. Next up on the agenda for Big Ole Bob...small talk. Oh joy! He starts asking what I was in Vegas for? Did I win money, see any shows? etc. Next he starts to tell me about his trip. I'm halfway paying attention when what I heard next made me nearly lose it. He says..."All things considered I had a pretty good trip, but was a little bummed I didn't get lucky." I said, "Well, if everybody won in Vegas, Vegas wouldn't exist." While elbowing me he says..."Nah man, not that kinda lucky...I was hoping for some tail in Sin City." Oh mother of christ I am going to vomit now!!! After that the headphones went on and I pretended to sleep until we landed.