Scentsy for the win

Well, car boredom got the best of me again. This morning a car passes me on the highway with more lovely back window logo/propaganda feces. This time it was a Scentsy  rep. As a side note, this lady has devoted the entire back of her car to candles? Aim high people, achieve your goals. This one was just to tempting for me. So I dial the number…

Candle Lady: “It’s a great day to bring Scentsy into your life this is Karen!”

What fresh hell is this…”bring Scentsy into my life?” Are we talking about Jesus or candles here lady? This could be more fun than I thought.

Me: Hi Karen you sound quite bubbly for 9:30 am on a gloomy day, have you been drinking?

Candle Lady: Ummm, no I have not. How can I help you?

Me: Yes Karen besides me being overly intrigued as to why you’re so perky pre-10am without the use of booze, I was wondering if you could sell me some candles?

Candle lady: YES YES OH MY GOD YES!!

At this point I’m not sure if she’s answering my questions or pleasuring herself while driving

Naturally Karen is about to lose it because now she knows I’m wanting to buy her crap from the almighty pyramid scheme. Karen knows if this keeps up she could move one more notch up in the grand screw the man scheme and perhaps even work herself towards a pink Cadillac or whatever fancy bling the top candle reps get.

Me: Karen this is great news. I’ve been looking all over for somebody like you. My friends and I have a fairly large need for quality candles and scents if you can provide for us this could be a great business relationship for us.

Candle lady: I’d be happy to help, can we talk more about your candle and scent needs?

I now find myself wondering if this dialogue is coming directly from the Scentsy play book.

Me: Karen my friends and I gather often, illuminations and scents are a critical element to our gathering…

At this point Karen cuts me off to interject and I can’t help but wonder if she’s done a line of blow with her breakfast.

Candle lady: OH YES! Candles and scents really help make the moment don’t they?

This is now starting to sound more like a Cialis commercial, “when a normal moment becomes a special moment.”

Me: Well Karen as I was saying…we need candles and scents for our gathering.

Candle lady: Ok, great! What type of candles and scents were you thinking about?

Me: Well, I don’t want something over-powering, no strong scents.

Candle lady: Sure no problem, what style did you want?

Me: Something with a nice glow

Candle lady: Well many of our warmers put off a lovely glow and also release a great scent into the room.

She babbled on for over 5 minutes on this one and I honestly only caught about half of it

Me: Again the scent can’t be too strong…we can’t anger the sprits

Candle lady: Sir? The spirts?

Me: Yes, lets not anger the supreme power I don’t need a curse on my ass do you?

Candle lady: I don’t really think I understand…

Me: Well my friends and I hold a regular séance. The spirts of the afterworld are really particular, no detail can be left to chance. If I start burning your pumpkin spice cherry flower fart scent the sprits will likely not be happy. We’ve come a long way in the last few sessions and I can’t afford to mess this one up. We already had to kick Frank out of the group because he got all squeamish when we sacrificed a chicken in the last session.

Candle lady: YOU SACRIFICED A CHICKEN?

Me: Yes, we did. Frank used to eat KFC all the time and didn’t think twice, but we off a chicken in the name of the dark afterworld and Frank loses his shit. I don’t have time for him anymore. He’s either with us or not. Just like you Karen. I need a person I can trust.

Very long pause…

Candle lady: I think there has been a very big misunderstand here sir.

Me: No Karen, no misunderstanding at all. I’m prepared to put in a large order. I trust you can deliver them to the cemetery on Halloween?

Candle lady: Uhh….No sir, I’m really sorry I just can’t do that.

Me: So you don’t want my business?

Candle lady: I really need to go now

Me: You really shouldn’t hang up on me, that would be unprofessional.

Candle lady: Why did you call me?

Me: Because I was driving into work this morning and you passed me. I saw your number on the back of your car. I figured since you decided to devote your entire back glass to your love of a single product this would at least be entertaining. I was right.

Candle lady: Is this some kind of joke?

Me: Yes, Karen I’m jacking with you

Candle lady: You’re not some sick freak that kills chickens in a cemetery?

Me: Well, I am a bit odd yes, but no I’ve never killed a chicken in a cemetery.

Candle lady: You called me just for entertainment?

Me: Yes, I did, phone sex has gotten far too expensive

Candle lady: You’re an @sshole….go @#$# yourself!

Me: Karen???

She hung up…oh well. It was fun while it lasted!

Who should I call next?

The plot thickens

The plot thickens….

So some of you read my last post about calling the lady selling wraps to tone your body. Well, it seems she went home and told her hubby what I did. My phone rings this morning on the way in. Below is our exchange documented to the best of my ability. Admittedly I was laughing my ass off by the end and might have a few details crossed here. On a related note, if I continue these antics getting a second phone number might be a solid plan.

Phone rings at 9:17 am, a local number that I don’t recognize. Answer or don’t answer? As I ponder I begin to question myself; does somebody owe me money? I’d sure hate to pass that up. What the hell, I’ll take the call.

Me: Good morning this is Dave

Caller: Uh…yeah, is this the guy that was making jokes with my wife?

Me: (more than a bit puzzled) Sir could you elaborate please? I make jokes at the expense of everybody not just demographic of those who are married and pee sitting down.

Caller: (I hear him chuckle) Did you call my wife on Friday and make fun or her wrap business?

Me: (shit…it’s all coming together now) Well, sir I suspect given that type of business many people make fun of it, but yes I did engage in a verbal phone exchange with her surrounding the efficacy of her wraps.

Hubby of McMuffin Wrap Lady: Did you really tell her you were a 600lb man?

Me: Well 684 to be exact but yes I did.

Hubby of McMuffin Wrap Lady: I thought she was full of shit….boy was she pissed at you!

Me: Well, I seem to have that effect on many.

Hubby of McMuffin Wrap Lady: So why did you decide to call my wife and mess with her like that?

Me: I have a long commute to work and I was bored

Hubby of McMuffin Wrap Lady: So you just made that load of shit up on the fly?

Me: Yes, I did. It’s a life skill, just wish I could make a sustainable income doing it

Hubby of McMuffin Wrap Lady: Well, while it seems you got your kicks please don’t call my wife again. I got home Firday night and got an earful from her. She wanted me to hunt you down and beat your ass, but this is just too funny.

Me: Sir, I’m terribly sorry that my actions might have resulted in your wife shutting down your fun factory for the weekend.

Hubby of McMuffin Wrap Lady: Huh?

Me: Nevermind

Hubby of McMuffin Wrap Lady: Ok, just don’t call her again, I’m not really ok with random people just calling my wife.

Me: While I certainly understand your point the fact that she’s got a sign on the back of her SUV displaying her phone number to the whole world does somewhat enable and encourage random calls don’t you think?

Hubby of McMuffin Wrap Lady: Well, yes, but this is her business and she’s serious about it

Me: I couldn’t agree more! I wish you could have heard the eagerness in her voice when she thought I was interested. I’ve never seen a person put down a McMuffin so fast.

Hubby of McMuffin Wrap Lady: Hold the hell on what?? How did you know she was eating a McMuffin?

Me: I was right beside her on the highway

Hubby of McMuffin Wrap Lady: Son of a @#$#@ now I’m pissed. Do you know for 3 years she’s been trying to tell me how hard she’s been working to lose weight. I see her every morning get up and put on this big act about how she’s eating sliced apples and green tea for breakfast. I guess she waits until I leave for the day to eat her crap, no wonder her fat @ss hasn’t lost any weight.

Me: Well sir, it seems you’ve got your work cut out for you…you have a nice day!

Hubby of McMuffin Wrap Lady: Yes, I do….goodbye!

That crazy wrap thing...

Like many of you I have a decent commute into the office each day. I often find new ways to entertain myself. A healthy session of Pandora on my favorite tunes was doing the trick. Well, that grew old. Next up podcasts trying to learn more. Ok, sure nice, but yes that grew old pretty quickly as well. Then I started waving at random people acting like they were my long lost friend. Again only fun for a short time.

Well friends, this morning it all came to a head. 2 minutes into my commute an SUV zooms past me on the right side. As she blazes by me I noticed the lady driving is in the process of devastating a McMuffin while driving. As she gets ahead of me I see her vehicle is proudly adorned with the propaganda stating, “Have you tried that crazy wrap thing?” I started to wonder does the wrap cancel out the McMuffin? Well, holy hell people the number to call was right on the back of her car, it’s time for answers. I dial the number, below is our exchange:

Now…picture it. I’ve now sped up and I’m driving in the lane next to her just slightly behind her so I can see her. As I’m talking I’m also trying to sound very breath heavy in my speech like I’m very winded.

McMuffin Wrap Lady: Hello

Me: Yes, can you tell me more about that crazy wrap thing?

After saying this I see her get visibly excited, holy shit she’s got a live sucker on the phone! I see her put her McMuffin aside, it will clearly have to wait, her ‘business’ beckons.

McMuffin Wrap Lady: Oh YES! It’s amazing! (the pitch of her voice actually elevates)

Me: Before you get going, I need to know how fast I see results (while talking I begin to consume a banana making as much noise as possible so she can hear it.)

McMuffin Wrap Lady: Results are instant, you’ll notice it right away. (She’s on Bluetooth and by now she’s using her hands to talk) It is just so amazing you will love it.

Me: Ok, good, because I need to get some results really fast I’m afraid I’m about out of options here. I’m so glad I got your number.

McMuffin Wrap Lady: Yes, I am too. Can we set up a time for me to come by to show you more?

Me: Yes, that would be great. Any chance you can come by today? (now she’s really excited)

McMuffin Wrap Lady: What part of town do you live in? I probably could come by this afternoon.

Me: Well I live in the northland, are you sure you have enough in inventory to wrap me? I’m fairly large.

McMuffin Wrap Lady: Certainly it won’t be a problem, would 2pm today work?

Me: Yes, I think so, I’ll give you my garage door code and you can just let your self in, I’m in the back bedroom.

McMuffin Wrap Lady: Excuse me sir?

Me: Yes, I’ll give you my garage code, just let yourself in and come and find me, and would you mind swinging by subway and picking me up a sub on your way? I’m also trying the Jared thing, you know before he got into all the trouble…pervet!

McMuffin Wrap Lady: (lady now growing frustrated) Sir….I can’t just let myself into your house. And I’m sorry I really don’t feel comfortable stopping to pick up food for you, can you just do that yourself? I’m happy to knock on your door and you can let me in. We’ve never met and I just don’t feel comfortable letting myself into your home.

Me: Well, that’s the problem I weigh 684 pounds and I can’t get out of bed. Hopefully you can understand my situation. If these wraps work I’ll be so excited. I’ll need you to start on my legs first, they are very swollen.

McMuffin Wrap Lady: I’m sorry sir I really think there has been a huge misunderstanding here.

Me: No, I don’t think so. Please help me I’ve tried everything. The subway diet hasn’t seemed to help me. I’ve also tried to get on that show “My 600lb life” but they won’t call me back. I’m afraid I gain too much more I’m really in trouble because they don’t a show called “My 700lb life”

McMuffin Wrap Lady: (By now she’s really pissed) Sir, I really don’t think I can help you!

Me: (I change lanes and pull up beside her and I’m looking right at her) I said ok, fair enough, do any of your friends sell that Shakeology stuff? I guess I could give that a try. (By now I can’t hold back laughing anymore. She finally looks over at me and I told up my cellphone. She hangs up on me and flips me off and speeds away.)

Well, that was fun. Only 10 more minutes and I’m at work.

Dying in here people

Prospective student comes by my office to inquire about our program, she brings her 18 month old off-spring with her. 2 minutes into meeting the little guy decides to drop an epic crap into his huggies. Entire office smelled awful and lady just keeps on talking. Holy hell....can you not smell your child's foul ass lady?
I've always been cool with people coming to class with their kids, but I certainly hope this lady opts for online coursework. I don't think I could last a 3 hour lecture with that little bastard dropping toxic waste like that in the room. 

I'm coming back...

Ok, so many of you have found this. I'm impressed. You've also noticed I've given you nothing for a long time. I'd be honored! Stay tuned friends, coming soon!