That crazy wrap thing...

Like many of you I have a decent commute into the office each day. I often find new ways to entertain myself. A healthy session of Pandora on my favorite tunes was doing the trick. Well, that grew old. Next up podcasts trying to learn more. Ok, sure nice, but yes that grew old pretty quickly as well. Then I started waving at random people acting like they were my long lost friend. Again only fun for a short time.

Well friends, this morning it all came to a head. 2 minutes into my commute an SUV zooms past me on the right side. As she blazes by me I noticed the lady driving is in the process of devastating a McMuffin while driving. As she gets ahead of me I see her vehicle is proudly adorned with the propaganda stating, “Have you tried that crazy wrap thing?” I started to wonder does the wrap cancel out the McMuffin? Well, holy hell people the number to call was right on the back of her car, it’s time for answers. I dial the number, below is our exchange:

Now…picture it. I’ve now sped up and I’m driving in the lane next to her just slightly behind her so I can see her. As I’m talking I’m also trying to sound very breath heavy in my speech like I’m very winded.

McMuffin Wrap Lady: Hello

Me: Yes, can you tell me more about that crazy wrap thing?

After saying this I see her get visibly excited, holy shit she’s got a live sucker on the phone! I see her put her McMuffin aside, it will clearly have to wait, her ‘business’ beckons.

McMuffin Wrap Lady: Oh YES! It’s amazing! (the pitch of her voice actually elevates)

Me: Before you get going, I need to know how fast I see results (while talking I begin to consume a banana making as much noise as possible so she can hear it.)

McMuffin Wrap Lady: Results are instant, you’ll notice it right away. (She’s on Bluetooth and by now she’s using her hands to talk) It is just so amazing you will love it.

Me: Ok, good, because I need to get some results really fast I’m afraid I’m about out of options here. I’m so glad I got your number.

McMuffin Wrap Lady: Yes, I am too. Can we set up a time for me to come by to show you more?

Me: Yes, that would be great. Any chance you can come by today? (now she’s really excited)

McMuffin Wrap Lady: What part of town do you live in? I probably could come by this afternoon.

Me: Well I live in the northland, are you sure you have enough in inventory to wrap me? I’m fairly large.

McMuffin Wrap Lady: Certainly it won’t be a problem, would 2pm today work?

Me: Yes, I think so, I’ll give you my garage door code and you can just let your self in, I’m in the back bedroom.

McMuffin Wrap Lady: Excuse me sir?

Me: Yes, I’ll give you my garage code, just let yourself in and come and find me, and would you mind swinging by subway and picking me up a sub on your way? I’m also trying the Jared thing, you know before he got into all the trouble…pervet!

McMuffin Wrap Lady: (lady now growing frustrated) Sir….I can’t just let myself into your house. And I’m sorry I really don’t feel comfortable stopping to pick up food for you, can you just do that yourself? I’m happy to knock on your door and you can let me in. We’ve never met and I just don’t feel comfortable letting myself into your home.

Me: Well, that’s the problem I weigh 684 pounds and I can’t get out of bed. Hopefully you can understand my situation. If these wraps work I’ll be so excited. I’ll need you to start on my legs first, they are very swollen.

McMuffin Wrap Lady: I’m sorry sir I really think there has been a huge misunderstanding here.

Me: No, I don’t think so. Please help me I’ve tried everything. The subway diet hasn’t seemed to help me. I’ve also tried to get on that show “My 600lb life” but they won’t call me back. I’m afraid I gain too much more I’m really in trouble because they don’t a show called “My 700lb life”

McMuffin Wrap Lady: (By now she’s really pissed) Sir, I really don’t think I can help you!

Me: (I change lanes and pull up beside her and I’m looking right at her) I said ok, fair enough, do any of your friends sell that Shakeology stuff? I guess I could give that a try. (By now I can’t hold back laughing anymore. She finally looks over at me and I told up my cellphone. She hangs up on me and flips me off and speeds away.)

Well, that was fun. Only 10 more minutes and I’m at work.