That crazy wrap thing...

Like many of you I have a decent commute into the office each day. I often find new ways to entertain myself. A healthy session of Pandora on my favorite tunes was doing the trick. Well, that grew old. Next up podcasts trying to learn more. Ok, sure nice, but yes that grew old pretty quickly as well. Then I started waving at random people acting like they were my long lost friend. Again only fun for a short time.

Well friends, this morning it all came to a head. 2 minutes into my commute an SUV zooms past me on the right side. As she blazes by me I noticed the lady driving is in the process of devastating a McMuffin while driving. As she gets ahead of me I see her vehicle is proudly adorned with the propaganda stating, “Have you tried that crazy wrap thing?” I started to wonder does the wrap cancel out the McMuffin? Well, holy hell people the number to call was right on the back of her car, it’s time for answers. I dial the number, below is our exchange:

Now…picture it. I’ve now sped up and I’m driving in the lane next to her just slightly behind her so I can see her. As I’m talking I’m also trying to sound very breath heavy in my speech like I’m very winded.

McMuffin Wrap Lady: Hello

Me: Yes, can you tell me more about that crazy wrap thing?

After saying this I see her get visibly excited, holy shit she’s got a live sucker on the phone! I see her put her McMuffin aside, it will clearly have to wait, her ‘business’ beckons.

McMuffin Wrap Lady: Oh YES! It’s amazing! (the pitch of her voice actually elevates)

Me: Before you get going, I need to know how fast I see results (while talking I begin to consume a banana making as much noise as possible so she can hear it.)

McMuffin Wrap Lady: Results are instant, you’ll notice it right away. (She’s on Bluetooth and by now she’s using her hands to talk) It is just so amazing you will love it.

Me: Ok, good, because I need to get some results really fast I’m afraid I’m about out of options here. I’m so glad I got your number.

McMuffin Wrap Lady: Yes, I am too. Can we set up a time for me to come by to show you more?

Me: Yes, that would be great. Any chance you can come by today? (now she’s really excited)

McMuffin Wrap Lady: What part of town do you live in? I probably could come by this afternoon.

Me: Well I live in the northland, are you sure you have enough in inventory to wrap me? I’m fairly large.

McMuffin Wrap Lady: Certainly it won’t be a problem, would 2pm today work?

Me: Yes, I think so, I’ll give you my garage door code and you can just let your self in, I’m in the back bedroom.

McMuffin Wrap Lady: Excuse me sir?

Me: Yes, I’ll give you my garage code, just let yourself in and come and find me, and would you mind swinging by subway and picking me up a sub on your way? I’m also trying the Jared thing, you know before he got into all the trouble…pervet!

McMuffin Wrap Lady: (lady now growing frustrated) Sir….I can’t just let myself into your house. And I’m sorry I really don’t feel comfortable stopping to pick up food for you, can you just do that yourself? I’m happy to knock on your door and you can let me in. We’ve never met and I just don’t feel comfortable letting myself into your home.

Me: Well, that’s the problem I weigh 684 pounds and I can’t get out of bed. Hopefully you can understand my situation. If these wraps work I’ll be so excited. I’ll need you to start on my legs first, they are very swollen.

McMuffin Wrap Lady: I’m sorry sir I really think there has been a huge misunderstanding here.

Me: No, I don’t think so. Please help me I’ve tried everything. The subway diet hasn’t seemed to help me. I’ve also tried to get on that show “My 600lb life” but they won’t call me back. I’m afraid I gain too much more I’m really in trouble because they don’t a show called “My 700lb life”

McMuffin Wrap Lady: (By now she’s really pissed) Sir, I really don’t think I can help you!

Me: (I change lanes and pull up beside her and I’m looking right at her) I said ok, fair enough, do any of your friends sell that Shakeology stuff? I guess I could give that a try. (By now I can’t hold back laughing anymore. She finally looks over at me and I told up my cellphone. She hangs up on me and flips me off and speeds away.)

Well, that was fun. Only 10 more minutes and I’m at work.

Dying in here people

Prospective student comes by my office to inquire about our program, she brings her 18 month old off-spring with her. 2 minutes into meeting the little guy decides to drop an epic crap into his huggies. Entire office smelled awful and lady just keeps on talking. Holy hell....can you not smell your child's foul ass lady?
I've always been cool with people coming to class with their kids, but I certainly hope this lady opts for online coursework. I don't think I could last a 3 hour lecture with that little bastard dropping toxic waste like that in the room. 

I'm coming back...

Ok, so many of you have found this. I'm impressed. You've also noticed I've given you nothing for a long time. I'd be honored! Stay tuned friends, coming soon!

Population Health 101

The last 10 days of weather in our city have been anything but boring. Heavy snow fall, power outages and most importantly to my students, cancelled classes. In one of my classes we're currently talking about population health and wellness. In an online discussion board I posed the following question to my class. "What impact would the inclement weather in Kansas City have on population health?" Most of the responses were exactly what I'd expect, "People who need health care might not be able to venture out to get it," ,"Increased difficulty with access to care", "More injures as a result of slips, falls, and snow shoveling." 

However, once again I got the one response I was not expecting. One student said the following, "Slips and falls, old farts having heart attacks from over doing it with the shovel. But most importantly, well over one thousand people lost power, and when the power goes out, there ain't much to do but have sex. So look for the population to go up in about 9 months."

What could I say? While his response was somewhat crude, he was exactly right!

Keep it funny my friends!

Business as usual

In my new job I get to use the gym for free. Since we are a public school all senior residents of the county get to use it as well. It's been a lot of fun chatting it up with the seniors while they work out.

However, yesterday was the most noteworthy. I'm on the elliptical machine (a love/ hate relationship). Next to me on another elliptical machine is Ed an elderly gentlemen cruising along on his machine while watching c-span. All of a sudden over to the side in the free-weight area we hear some of the most obnoxious sounds. I look over to see a giant meat head trying to lift what appears to be WAY more weight than he can clearly handle. I look over at Ed and say..."I can't help but wonder if Thor over there can lift that much weight without looking and sounding like he's trying to pass a kidney stone the size of a grapefruit."

I should have known better than cracking a joke to Ed while he was trying to work out. Poor Ed nearly fell off his machine. The last thing I wanted was a broken hip on my hands. Ed managed to compose himself and I saw him a few minutes later in a circle with all of his buddies pointing back over at the meat head mentioned above. Ed had recycled my joke and was hit of all of his buddies. Roger Rabbit once said, "A laugh can be a very powerful thing. Why, sometimes in life, it's the only weapon we have." 

All in a days work I guess...

Can I borrow $20

Can I borrow $20?

In my new job I get random emails and shipments of textbooks from book publishers asking me to 'review' their text and consider possible inclusion into my program. This time of year its been pretty bad as we all select the texts for the next year. 

I'd finally had enough to simply ignoring their messages. I started replying asking them to remove me, still no luck. Well, late last week I did one better. I received an email from a book publisher that started with "Dear Friend..." No shit?!?! We're friends now??? I had no idea. I figured, what the hell, lets mess with this guy. I responded back with..."Why hello friend!! Times are tough can you spot me $20?" He actually responded..."I'm sorry I don't understand?" I went on to explain that he referred to me as a 'friend.' I told him I'd do almost anything for my friends and they'd do the same in return. So by that logic I felt it perfectly okay to ask him to loan me $20. In his response he told me he would not be able to loan me the $20. I told him I understood and if he could not spare the cash I could sure use his help putting a new roof on my house this weekend. It has been 4 days and he has not responded back to me. This might have worked. 

Merry Christmas All!!

Moment of fame

So this week I got asked sit in on a panel discussion put on by the White House about Job Training, specifically in the technical space. I was captured on camera, most likely because they sat my ass way in the back with the media so the important people could sit up front.

I think I'll go ahead and use this 'debut' to announce my candidacy for office.  Not for this year, it's too late, and I don't meet the age requirement to be president yet. But watch out 2016!! Now, I'm sure right now you'll all wondering; will he run on the democrat or republican ticket?? Well, the answer is neither...I will be running on the AA ticket...that's right, Absolutely Awesome! 

With that in mind I'd like to share a few items on my political agenda:

• Meatloaf will become a banned substance, STOP BAKING HAMBURGER
• Telemarketing (of any sort) will be a felony
• All employers will recognize "Nap Time"
• Zuckerburg WILL add the following buttons to Facebook: WTF, Dumb-Ass, Don't Care!
• Price controls for alcohol at sporting events, It should not cost Americans $400 to get hammered at a baseball game.
• Removal of all FBI warnings on DVD/Blue Rays - really who are we kidding here??

I will also be adding a new post to my cabinet, Secretary of Entertainment. I've asked Joe Walsh to fill this position. In a short conversation with Joe I'm very excited about his ideas, most importantly his thoughts on Justin Bieber. My administration will fully support Secretary Walsh's request to revoke Justin Bieber's citizenship and show him the way out. Most likely on a canoe that will be constructed of all of his CDs taped together. 

My annual State of the Union address will be made available in Podcast form, and will be held to 20 minutes in length. No need for all of America to pretend to care for any longer than that. You will not hear mindless rammering about my pets, or lack thereof. We all know you don't care, and neither do I. I will not assign my wife a 'Political Job' like making sure all the little kiddos can read, don't get fat, or fixing Health Care. 

Stay tuned as my political agenda begins to unfold, and mostly like many great women tell Victoria Secrets...Thanks for your support!!!