Fun with Toyota
So here I sit in the lounge at Toyota waiting for my
multi-point inspection and oil change, which based on how long I’ve been
waiting seems more like a team of highly under-educated half-wits are in the
back attempting to rebuild the engine with butter knives and dental floss.
As I sit awaiting to get the news that my ride is ready to
roll you can’t help but over-hear the conversations. Thus far the most exciting
has been the lady in the corner who appears to be on the phone with her BFF;
the topic of the conversation is bitching about her husband, always a riveting
topic. He doesn’t help out around the house, doesn’t tell her he loves her and
by the way according to her, “has become a sloppy pig.” Well shit, cut your
losses now lady, kick him out now while you can still do better. Better plan,
turn to women, that’ll really kick him where it hurts.
Other side of the room we have the business looking dude. He
is so very important. How could his world slow down enough for him to take time
out for an oil change. Shouldn’t he have people for this? For a person of this
importance I’d suspect the following; 1. He doesn’t drive a Toyota…how
ordinary. 2. When his pimp ride does need an oil change I’d expect a midget with
a wrench and a shop towel to appear out of nowhere and just handle it.
Now my very favorite the soccer mom. I’m sure her minivan is
overdue for service. She’s on the phone as well (most likely with a fellow
soccer mom) talking about how busy her day is going to be. She’s decked out in
everything from the Under Armor catalog. After all, one must portray the image that
once done at the market they are off to the gym! She continues to carry on over
the phone about how stressed out she is.
As I sit there alone working a lady adorned with fancy
make-up and a Toyota name tag approaches me. She introduces herself as Jan and
asks if we can discuss “trading up for a newer model.” No shit? I had no idea
they did this sort of thing at the car dealership. I was stunned. I said, “Well,
Jan this is quite the offer. But I’m just not ready for that. After all she
still does pretty well. Still in pretty decent shape, has just enough pep to
her and I feel like she knows me.” She’s still clueless that we’re talking
about two different things. So she replies with, “well why deal with something
that doesn’t meet your needs?” I come back with, “Jan she ain’t perfect, but I’m
not one to just kick the old girl to the curb.” Jan was prepared for this
argument…”Oh sir, don’t worry about that. The older, used models are in very
high demand right now, it won’t be an issue finding her a home.” At this point
I can barely keep my shit together. “Interesting proposition Jan, do you fix
her up any or just send her right out to the next suitor?” Jan still doesn’t
get it. “Well sir, it all depends how hard you’ve been on her.” At this point I
can’t take it anymore, people are starting to stare and have put it together
that I’m royally screwing with Jan. Time to pull the plug on this one. “Jan,
she’s been well taken care of but who am I to say what another dude might want.
You know we all have different preference on hair color, boob size, etc. I’ll
just leave that up to you guys. Where do I go to pick out my newer model wife?
I’ve always been with older women, but hey maybe those younger newer chicks
have something I don’t know about.”
Jan was speechless for a very long time. Under Armor- Soccer
Mom has now ended her call and heard much of the exchange and is giving me a
quality ‘eat shit and die’ look. Finally Jan says, “Sir…I’m afraid we’re
talking about two very different things!!” I tell her, “Well, I was talking
about trading my wife in, what path were you headed down here?” Ok, now Jan is
PISSED! She says, “I was talking about trading in your vehicle!” I tell Jan, “Perhaps
next time you lead with that part, don’t you think that was a critical detail
there Jan?” Now, she’s about to blow a gasket and tells me, “Sir! Why would you
come to a dealership to trade your wife in?” I should add at this point Under
Armor-Soccer mom has totally got that ‘how dare you!’ and ‘go girl power’ look
on her face as Jan lets me have it. I respond to Jan with, “Well, why does
Cracker Barrel sell clothes and cookie jars when I go there to eat? It’s
diversifying your assets. I merely assumed this was new business line for
Toyota.” I’m quite certain at this point I’m the reason Jan will be drinking
tonight. She quietly turns to walk away. As she’s leaving I yell out, “Ok Jan,
come back now that I know what you’re talking about this might be easier.” Jan
just kept walking. Well, guess this means I’ll be keeping the truck.
