Take off

Yesterday while waiting for my flight to push back the lady next to me pulls out a pocket bible, rosary beads and some other book with Jesus on the cover. As we taxi she's giving her rosary beads all kinds of action with her eyes closed. After take off she looks at me and says, "Isn't Jesus great?" I'm thinking oh great, if I don't put a stop this right quick and in a hurry this could easily be the longest flight ever. I look at her and then down at her pile of Jesus books. I tell her, "Before I answer let me tell you this. I fully support your religion, it's what makes this country great. I know that many religions require you to carry forth said gospel and recruit others into your way, and I'm even ok with that. So....if you'd like to talk about your religion lets do it. However, in the spirt of good conversation after we spend some time talking about the topic of your choice; which is clearly Jesus we should then spend some time talking about a topic of my choice. I feel it only fair to warn you, I'm one twisted individual and I'd prefer to talk about things Jesus would most likely frown upon. Now, let's get down to it shall we?" Long silence ensues. She clutches her beads and says, "I think it would just be best if we didn't speak to each other and I will pray for your soul sir." I think things would have been fine until the other guy in our row reaches over to high five me. She promptly informed us both that we'd be headed straight to hell.

3D Lashes

It had been awhile. This morning on the way in I’m passed by a car with all kinds of fun advertisement on the back window. It says, “Ask me about amazing 3D eyelashes.”

Well, I’ll be damned, I will do just that. After all she had so kindly placed her phone number on the back of her car. I figured this was just a good of way as any to occupy myself on the drive into work.

I dial the number, she picks up the phone and I hear, “Hi this is Jessica and I’d love to tell you about 3D lashes!” Holy shit, we’ve got a live on here.

Me: “Well good morning Jess, I’m sure you don’t mind if I call you Jess…anyway, I saw your ad and I was thinking that my life would really be more complete if I learned a little bit more about 3D lashes.”

Jess: “Ummmm, ok sure, yes I love the 3D lash product and I’d love nothing more than to tell you all about it’s greatness. Are you inquiring for your wife or significant other?”

Me: “Jess, let’s not get tripped up in the details just yet around who it’s for, why don’t you just tell me more about this product that you clearly seem very excited about?”

Jess: “Oh, yes, of course. May I ask whom I’m speaking with?”

Me: “Well, of course. My name is Richard, my friends call me Riche, but you may call me Dick for short.”

[That one clearly takes her off guard, but she pushes on with her pitch. I’m sure it was deeply engrained into her at the pyramid, brain washing session]

Jess: “Ok…….Well Dick the 3D lash product that I represent takes your normal lashes, or I guess the lashes of whomever this is for and uses a special polymer to enhance them…

Me: [I interject at this point] Slow down there a bit tonto. Tell me more about this polymer.

Jess: “What do you mean sir?”

Me: “What kind of polymer is it specifically? “

Jess: “I’m not sure I understand your question sir?”

Me: “Please call me Dick for short. I hear sir and I look for some military drill sergeant. I just want to know what type of polymer you use? Or is that some sort of secret ingredient?”

Jess: “Well Dick….[clearly frustrated at this point] I guess I don’t really know.”

Me: “Surely it’s published somewhere? I mean after all you’re expecting me to use this on my body without knowing what kind of polymer it really is?”

Jess: “I’m really sorry I guess I’m confused, I just don’t really know umm what that has to do with anything.”

Me: “Jess, let me tell you it makes all the difference in the world. The human body doesn’t react well to all polymers. If it’s a polymer with a polypropylene additive then I would not want that anyplace near my body, do you know what I mean Jess?”  

Jess: [Very long pause…] “Dick all I can really tell you is the product is well tested and it’s safe.”

Me: “Ok, good that’s a relief. Do you test on animals?”

Jess: “I’ve been told that after the product was deemed safe in the lab it was then tested on animals.”

Me: “I see, what kind of animals?”

Jess: “I’m not sure.”

Me: “I’m curious, if you tested an eyelash product on a cat I’d pay top dollar to see that shit!!” [doing all I can not to laugh now]

Jess: “I’m just not sure what it was tested on, if you have more specific questions I’d be happy to get in touch with my lash leader to get more info.”

Me: “I’m sorry did you just say, ‘lash leader?”

Jess: “Yes, I did.”

Me: “So is that like your boss?”

Jess: “Yes, it is.”

Me: “Yeah, I’d love to know more about the specific type of polymer, if it was tested on animals, if so I’d like to see pictures. Also, one other question, that I’m certain you can answer; your ad mentions that these lashes are 3D?”

Jess: “That is correct.”

Me: “How does that work, do I need to wear those special classes like I do at the movies to really be able to tell, because I think that’s really stupid. I have to pay extra for those movies, and why? Just for the stupid glasses. They could at least throw a guy a free popcorn or something for the trouble. Did you know that movie theatres have a 1400% profit margin on popcorn? That should be criminal. What’s your profit margin on these lashes by the way?”

Jess: [now she’s really shaken] “Sir…ugh I mean Dick. No, you do not have to wear special glasses. And I’m sorry I’m not really at liberty to discuss my profit margin. Did you have any other questions, or did you want to talk about getting you set up with some of the product?”

Me: “No Jess, I’m not at all interested in using your product. You just passed me on the highway and I was merely entertaining myself on the drive to work.”

Jess: [another long pause] “So you wasted all of this time just to jack with me?”

Me: “Yes! So how’s business?”

Jess hung up on me. Oh well, was a great way to pass a few minutes.

Wheels up, mouth shut

Was flying solo yesterday on Southwest Airlines. I was lucky enough to score the A boarding group. Now the fun begins get yourself onto the plane into a seat to hopefully provide for the best conditions for a 3 hour flight. As I travel down the isle row one is always out, no under seat storage. Row two man so large he has his own zip code with the morning paper opened up. Nope not there either. Row 3 guy already has what appears to be 13 various electronic devices scatted, also a nope. Row 4 mom with infant that already looks agitated, ok better go back a few more to ensure a necessary buffer. Row 9 or 10, small lady sitting on isle headphones already in empty middle seat and empty window seat. Ok, this might be my winner, flight to Vegas is always full so better take what I can get. I grab the window seat and the rest of the passengers file onto the plane. The standard drill ensues, people file to the back passing the open middle seats in hopes of better options. And naturally as the law of air travel dictates the last 15 people onto the plane move slower than a clerk at the DMV 3 months shy of retirement and they also have the largest of luggage and want to make it the worlds problem that there is no longer overhead bin space anyplace near them. Well slack ass, plenty of room for your luggage AND you under the plane!

As the plane fills I know my one seat buffer between me and lady on the isle is coming to an end, the only question is who will it be? Finally here he comes, sloppy middle aged dude. He sits down and doesn't lop over my arm rest, so that's a win, next up please don't be the smelly guy. Nope, not smelling anything foul we just might be ok. I'm hopeful to get some work done, so I'm putting out all the vibes that I really don't want to engage in mindless chatter with this dude. We get through the safety lecture and all is good, he's as silent as a hungover Catholic during Sunday mass...just maybe I dodged a bullet here.

Shortly after wheels up he starts in telling me he's going to Vegas for work, he works for ADP, the company that does outsourced payroll management. Then he begins to speak of his greatness, he's solved so many of the problems that no other person could figure out. After about 10 minutes of his monologue I'm starting to ponder how I can get this guy to shut up.

He finally stops to take a breath and I interject. "Well, Bob ( i have no idea what this guys name is so I simply assigned him one) let me tell you a little bit about what I do. I work for a company that makes urinal cakes...do you know what a urinal cake is Bob?" Before he gets a chance to answer I say, "Never mind Bob, of course you do, you piss just like the rest of us don't you? I mean I assume you do? You're not carting around one of those urine bags are you? No..didn't think so. Well, you see Bob (he's now growing very irritated by the fact that I keep calling him Bob, clearly not his name) I'm being sent out here to Vegas to do some research. My firm is curious to see how we can truly up our game in the urinal cake business. Now Bob, let me ask you, have you ever walked into a bathroom and it just smells like piss? Of course you have, I mean who hasn't? Well, Bob that's what we're trying to solve here. Vegas is going to be an interesting case study for us. What do we do in Vegas? Well, we drink...a lot and we also eat very poorly. With that our urine is very concentrated, therefore is smells awful! So I'm headed out to do some field work. We are striving to create a new line of urinal cake that will work to counter-act the high levels of potassium, chloride and creatinine that account for that smell that just turns you off. Because let's be honest Bob, you want into a bathroom and Las Vegas and you want it to be positive experience and not remind you of that pisser in the Phillips 66 off the rural route. So while you're out solving all of the worlds payroll problems just think of me, I'll collecting piss samples. Don't worry, I get them out of the urinal, thankfully I don't pull them directly from the source, that would just be messed up Bob."

All of his body language clearly indicates I've turned him off and he wants nothing more than for me than to stop talking. I stopped and said, "I'm sorry Bob, I'm going on and on about myself and the urinal cake business, I just get so passionate about making piss not stink you know what i mean? But enough of that...Are you going to get any time to enjoy yourself in Vegas?"
He pulls out his laptop, doesn't even look my direction and says, "Yeah, maybe a little...I'm sorry, I've got to get some work done here."
I say, "Oh sure Bob, I'm sorry I'm over here rambling like a 17 year old girl after the prom...you get your work done."

Not another word was spoken for the remaining 2+ hours of the flight.

Customer Service Woes

Just had to make the dreaded call to customer service. I detest where our society has gone with this. The agent on the phone spent more time asking me questions specific to, "Sir when you receive the survey would you feel comfortable giving me a 10 out of 10." Well...I did hear that this call was being recorded for quality assurance. Boy oh boy will the quality assurance manager have some fun with this one.

So I respond to her, "I'm not much of a numbers guy...but if asked I'd say the service was ok."

Clearly not good enough,

"Thank you sir, but was there anything else I can do in order to ensure you give me a 10?"

I then ask,

"Are there sub categories to this survey? You're asking me how I'd rate you, but I haven't yet seen the survey."

Response, "Well, sir I'm looking for an overall 10 out of 10, so that I met your needs in all areas."

I respond with,

"Well, I was calling about a problem, in a perfect world your company would not have made a mistake and I wouldn't have to take precious time away from my star wars action figures to make this phone call."

Her reply, "Well, yes sir, but this survey is not about the mistake that was made, but rather about the issue I assisted you with."

Ok, now it's time for some real fun.

"So if I follow that logic construct I could go home and punch my old lady right in the mouth, but then make her a nice home cooked meal and ask her to rate my effectiveness as a husband, but expect her to isolate her ratings based only on the meal I prepared?"

LONG SILENCE ensues..."ummm sir, I can't really speak to that I'm simply trying to ensure I provided you with outstanding service...."

Having working in customer service I know these things are also timed, agents are rewarded for how many calls they can take in an hour...time to skew the average a tad.

"Well, I hear what you're saying Esmeralda, however, I truly fear society has put far too much emphasis on the impact of quantitative measures. While I agree they hold value, we must not lose sight of the value that can be derived from the qualitative narrative a customer can provide. Now, Esmeralda do you know why there is so much emphasis on the quantitative measures? [she tries to interject, I push ahead], I'll tell you why Esmeralda, quantitative is easy, in fact any ass-hat middle manager type with a 3rd graders knowledge of excel can report these numbers up the ole corporate flag pole and brag about how their units ratings are 9.6 out of 10, it's quick and easy like a Las Vegas hooker. But qualitative, now that takes time, it's the work of a pro. One most invest effort, focus on sentiment analysis, really dig in, and Esmeralda, I tell, those who take that time are rewarded with a treasure trove of data that is sweeter than a plate for a bacon on a sweat pants Sunday! Do you get me Esmeralda?"

Very, very long silence..."Sir...is there anything else I can help you with today?" I decide this is probably enough torture. " No Esmeralda, I do believe I'm good, have yourself a nice day now. Alrighty then, bye bye now."

Not the Norm

Well, Happy New Year!
This will not be the norm for me. Sorry if you're hoping for a laugh or wanting to hear how I jacked with somebody who wasn't being nice; just stop reading now.

We've all seen the inspirational crap that so many like to repost on the book of faces to make us feel better about ourselves from the comfort of our keyboard, e.g. "Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about so be kind, always." Fill one hand with that via the FB share button, and the other with hopes and prayers and well, you still don't have a ton to work with.

So, what's the point? Last month our family had returned to the same hotel we had stayed at almost exactly 1 year prior. What can I say, a creature of habit. Since the weather was 50 degrees warmer than what we had at home I took the opportunity to go for a run, just like I did the year prior.

The resort had a great running trail around a lake, lots of scenery, relaxing, blah blah! Last year I set off for my morning run to negate the beer and pizza from the evening prior. As I was running a year ago I ran past this lady, she was out there giving it hell, but it was very obvious she was struggling. As I finished my run she came in behind me sucking air harder than a terminal COPD patient. She flopped down on the bench right next to where I was standing and said, "I'm pretty sure I'm going to die...this is my first time ever running and I see why I've never really done it!" I told here, "Well, don't die. That would really make the resort look bad." She laughed. I then told her, "Well, congrats if this was your first run, you just beat your time from yesterday and set your new personal best." She smiled and was starting to breathe like a normal human again. She tells me,  "Well, that's easy for your to say, it doesn't look that hard for you." I responded with, "Lucky for me you didn't get to see me the first time I ran, it wasn't pretty." I went on to say, "Today you were faster than yesterday, and most importantly you're faster than every single person on the couch. The only person you should ever compete with is yourself. Keep up the good work...you got this!" I offered the highest of high fives and went on my way.

I hadn't given that moment a second thought. All I did was repeat the same recycled lines people had told me. Fast-forward a year. I'm back, same time frame, same place. Once again I need to run off pizza and beer. I go out do my thing, enjoying a nice run around the water. As I finished a lady walks up to me and says, "Do you remember me?" Ok, mild freak out...I don't recognize this person. Have I pissed her off? Do I owe her money? Is this somebody I have wronged? Very cautiously I said, "No, I'm really sorry I guess I don't." She says, " You talked to me a year ago after we had ran, I told you I was going to die." It was coming together but very slowly...the story matched but this was NOT the same woman. She obviously picked up on my extreme confusion and said, "Sorry, I look a little different I've changed my hair color." Then it hit me. Hair color wasn't the only change, I was looking at a considerably smaller woman. I finally said, 'Oh hi! Yes, I'm sorry I didn't recognize you." She proceeds to tell me that since our encounter on her first run a year ago that she has ran 3-4 days a week ever since. She then tells me she's lost 78 pounds. She told me her first run a year ago was a last ditch effort. Right before her family had left for vacation she had been to the doctor, she was on blood pressure meds, cholesterol meds, she was suffering from a great deal of joint pain and her doctor told her if she didn't start to make instant lifestyle changes he would have to put her on insulin. She gave me a hug and told me thank you. I said, 'Thank you for what?" She tells me, "You have no idea how impactful your words were a year ago, it may not have meant much to you, but it was exactly what I needed to hear....so thank you!" She told me that since losing all of the weight she was able to avoid the insulin path. Then she told me she's also no longer on any of her meds and has virtually no joint pain anymore. She also told me her husband fells like he's got a whole new wife!

Okay, what's the point? Always offer up that high-five. You never know who needs it. This lady did it on her own, but I was so jacked for her success.