Back to school

Just got the following call,

"Professor Lingerfelt this is Max with Wiley education solutions. I'm just taking some time to reach out to some of our preferred professors and see what we can do to help get your semester off to a great start."

I insert a long awkward silence....and respond with, "Umm yeah, can you repeat that? I wasn't really listening."

So I get the same line again, with a bit less enthusiasm. I respond again, "Yeah...so you broke up. Who did you say this was?"

"Oh I'm sorry professor, this is Max with Wiley education solutions."

I ask, "Max, do I owe you money?"

He says, "Oh no professor, not at all. I was just calling to see how I might help your semester get off to a good start?"

I said, "Well in that case Max I am thrilled that you called."

Now his enthusiasm has quickly returned and he responds with, "That's great sir...I'm here to help make your life easier."

I say, "I am just thrilled to hear that Max, now listen closely, here is what I need you to do. First go-online and get the list of school supplies my daughter needs to start school and get yourself to the nearest Target or Wal-mart and fulfill that list for me. Then once you've done that go ahead and drop them by the grade school. Also Max...and this one would be a HUGE help, you see I'm ass deep in work here trying to get the term started. Would you mind running by Capital Grill and picking me up some lunch. I'm thinking a nice steak salad would just hit the spot...."

By now it got the best of Max and he simply had to interject, "Professor I do believe there has been a misunderstanding. That is not exactly what we do here at Wiley Education Solutions."

I said, "Oh, I'm sorry I thought you said you were here to help?"

"Well, yes sir we are, but we don't do things like that!"

I decided to insert a little humor from office space and hit him with, "Well, Max....what would ya say you DO here?"

He tells me, "Sir we offer comprehensive educational solutions to help educators like yourself."

I said, "Oh.....so you're a text book publisher huh Max?"

He tells me, "Well, that's just one thing we do sir, we do so much more!"

I tell him, "Boy you sure do. It must be tough work coming out with new editions of textbooks every 9 months forcing students to always buy the newest book while making your people richer. "

He says, "Well professor rest assured we publish new editions only when necessary to help ensure professors such as yourself always have the most up-to-date info on the subject. It would be a disservice to students to teach them old content wouldn't you agree?"

Oh boy...he just played right into my trap. "I'm glad you mentioned that Max. You do realize we haven't experienced a major mathematical break through in my lifetime? Yet the calculus book I used in college is as much in demand right now as an outhouse. And how about those history books, did your people just leave out key elements of WWII and decided to pick them up on the next edition? And all of this in the name of screwing the student? So tell me Max, who's getting rich here? I've had colleagues write textbooks, they don't make much. Do you make a lot of money? Please tell me you have a nice yacht?"

A long silence ensues.

"Professor, I don't really think all of this is relevant. I just wanted to discuss your needs...."

I tell him, " I believe I very clearly articulated my current needs, so if you're not already on the way to Target, I'm guessing I'll also need to find my own lunch too huh?"

He hung up on me....

Cooking with Rhonda

Cooking with Rhonda

Well, it had been a while. Rolling down the highway this morning and a blue Honda Civic goes past me with a huge window sticker that says, “Ask Me How A Pampered Chef Party Can Earn you $$$- Call Rhonda @ (913)-###-####”

Ok Rhonda, I’ll do just that. As I dial the phone I speed up a little to get right behind Rhonda. The phone rings and I hear, “Hi, this is Rhonda with Pampered Chef!”

Me: “Hi there Rhonda, first off I just have to say I love that song the Beach Boys wrote about you…a classic.”

[Awkward pause]

Rhonda: Hello, how can I help you?

Me: Rhonda, I’m sure you can. How the heck are you on this fine Monday morning?

Rhonda: I’m good, how are you?
Me: Ya know, I’m gonna be ok. A bit down about a less than stellar love making session last night, but ya know what Rhonda they can’t all be winners now can they?

Rhonda: Ummm….I guess not. Sir? Is there something I can help you with?

Me: Oh yes Rhonda, I do apologize. You really didn’t call for me to talk about my substandard sex life now did you?

Rhonda: Ummm…you called me!

Me: Well, I be damned Rhonda I sure did!

Rhonda: I’m sorry, I’m still not sure how I can help you?

Me: Sorry Rhonda, bad habit of mine, I wander off topic all the time. So, you’re the Pampered Chef lady huh?

Rhonda: Yes, I am. Are you interested in Pampered Chef?

Me: I sure am, ya know every other person I’ve tried simply refuses to book a party for me.

Rhonda: I am sorry to hear that sir…I apologize I never got your name?

Me: Oh, silly me. I’m Rich…for short, Riche for medium and Richard for long. But whatever you do please don’t shorten it Dick…I hate that. Who wants to be called Dick for short??

Rhonda: I’ll call you whatever you prefer sir, so is Rich ok?

Me: Sure…that’ll do nicely.

Rhonda: So you said you were interested in having a party?

Me: I sure am, I’ve called 4 other reps and they won’t do a party for me.

Rhonda: Well, I’d be happy to get one set up. When were you thinking you’d like to do one?

Me: As soon as possible, do you have any openings next week? In the evening?

Rhonda: Yes, I could do next Wednesday, what time works for you Rich?

Me: How about 7pm, how long do these things usually last?

Rhonda: It really depends on how many kitchen items you want to see, and how many questions your group has. How many are you expecting?

Me: I’d say 10-15 people for the first one.

Rhonda: The first one? Are you interested in hosting more than one party?

Me: Well our group meets monthly and I can see wanting to do this at least 4-5 times.

Rhonda: Oh wow…sure, we can certainly do that.

[By now I’ve pulled up beside Rhonda on the highway and she is visibly bursting with excitement. I’m sure she can’t wait to go home and tell her husband that her pyramid, sell cooking crap scheme actually could make money so she could justify not having a job.]

Me: Rhonda, I tell ya that is just great news. I’m really looking forward to this. I’m so glad I called you.

Rhonda: I am too! I’m driving right now, but if you can tell me what you’d like to call your party I’ll get it booked and maybe I can call you back in a couple hours and get some of the more specifics. Do you think you’d also have people that would be interested in participating in an online party as well?

Me: Oh I’m sure of it

Rhonda: Ok, great, we’ve got a great press kit we can get you that provides you with templates on how you can push this out via your social channels like Facebook. It includes all sorts of fun games and contests you can play to keep people active.

Me: Rhonda I’m going to stop you right there. I’ll be down right honest with you here, I detest people that use their social channels to exploit a means to sell crap. I’ll let my friends buy online who can’t make the party but we’re not touching my social media.

Rhonda: Ok, that’s not a problem, if you don’t want to, we don’t have to, but parties always do better if you push out info to all of your friends online.

Me: Sorry, that’s a hard no for me. If you keep pushing this I’ll find somebody else.

Rhonda: I’m sorry Rich…I just wanted to be sure you had all of the options. I won’t mention it again.

Me: Thank you. What more do you need from me to get this started Rhonda?

Rhonda: Just tell me the name of your party and I’ll call you later to get the rest of the details.

Me: That sounds excellent, our group is called, “Naked Men Cooking.”

Rhonda: I’m sorry, you might have broken up, did you say Naked Men Cooking?

Me: Yes, that is correct

Rhonda: Ummmm…could you expand a little bit more?

Me: Well Rhonda, you seem like a smart lady here, this is pretty self-explanatory don’t you think?

Rhonda: So you’re telling me this is group of men that cook naked?

[At this point I’ve sped back up and I’m riding next to Rhonda her expression is priceless. I’ve already passed my exit, but I couldn’t miss this.]

Me: Yes, to many it sounds odd, but have you ever tried it?

Rhonda: Ummm, no I’m sorry I can’t say that I ever have.

Me: Well, you are missing it, it’s so liberating. I’d imagine even more so for women, not having to cook in a restrictive bra…

Rhonda: Rich…will all of the men be naked during the party?

Me: Well of course….

Rhonda: I’m sorry I’m just not sure I’m uncomfortable with this..

Me: Rhonda, don’t make this weird, it’s really not. Surely, you’ve seen a naked man before, haven’t you?

Rhonda: I just don’t really think that’s the point. I just don’t think its appropriate for me to be in a room full of naked men!

Me: We are just a bunch of open-minded men who happen to enjoy cooking naked, this isn’t anything freaky like a gang-bang.

[I’m hardly able to keep it together now, her facial expressions are saying it all.]

Rhonda: I….I….just don’t think…

[At this point I can’t hold back my laughs and she heard me laughing.]

Me: Rhonda, please turn and look out the left window of your blue Honda.

I smile and waive…it took her a second to piece it together. She promptly flipped me off and called me an asshole and hung up on me. Well…how rude!  

Take off

Yesterday while waiting for my flight to push back the lady next to me pulls out a pocket bible, rosary beads and some other book with Jesus on the cover. As we taxi she's giving her rosary beads all kinds of action with her eyes closed. After take off she looks at me and says, "Isn't Jesus great?" I'm thinking oh great, if I don't put a stop this right quick and in a hurry this could easily be the longest flight ever. I look at her and then down at her pile of Jesus books. I tell her, "Before I answer let me tell you this. I fully support your religion, it's what makes this country great. I know that many religions require you to carry forth said gospel and recruit others into your way, and I'm even ok with that. So....if you'd like to talk about your religion lets do it. However, in the spirt of good conversation after we spend some time talking about the topic of your choice; which is clearly Jesus we should then spend some time talking about a topic of my choice. I feel it only fair to warn you, I'm one twisted individual and I'd prefer to talk about things Jesus would most likely frown upon. Now, let's get down to it shall we?" Long silence ensues. She clutches her beads and says, "I think it would just be best if we didn't speak to each other and I will pray for your soul sir." I think things would have been fine until the other guy in our row reaches over to high five me. She promptly informed us both that we'd be headed straight to hell.

3D Lashes

It had been awhile. This morning on the way in I’m passed by a car with all kinds of fun advertisement on the back window. It says, “Ask me about amazing 3D eyelashes.”

Well, I’ll be damned, I will do just that. After all she had so kindly placed her phone number on the back of her car. I figured this was just a good of way as any to occupy myself on the drive into work.

I dial the number, she picks up the phone and I hear, “Hi this is Jessica and I’d love to tell you about 3D lashes!” Holy shit, we’ve got a live on here.

Me: “Well good morning Jess, I’m sure you don’t mind if I call you Jess…anyway, I saw your ad and I was thinking that my life would really be more complete if I learned a little bit more about 3D lashes.”

Jess: “Ummmm, ok sure, yes I love the 3D lash product and I’d love nothing more than to tell you all about it’s greatness. Are you inquiring for your wife or significant other?”

Me: “Jess, let’s not get tripped up in the details just yet around who it’s for, why don’t you just tell me more about this product that you clearly seem very excited about?”

Jess: “Oh, yes, of course. May I ask whom I’m speaking with?”

Me: “Well, of course. My name is Richard, my friends call me Riche, but you may call me Dick for short.”

[That one clearly takes her off guard, but she pushes on with her pitch. I’m sure it was deeply engrained into her at the pyramid, brain washing session]

Jess: “Ok…….Well Dick the 3D lash product that I represent takes your normal lashes, or I guess the lashes of whomever this is for and uses a special polymer to enhance them…

Me: [I interject at this point] Slow down there a bit tonto. Tell me more about this polymer.

Jess: “What do you mean sir?”

Me: “What kind of polymer is it specifically? “

Jess: “I’m not sure I understand your question sir?”

Me: “Please call me Dick for short. I hear sir and I look for some military drill sergeant. I just want to know what type of polymer you use? Or is that some sort of secret ingredient?”

Jess: “Well Dick….[clearly frustrated at this point] I guess I don’t really know.”

Me: “Surely it’s published somewhere? I mean after all you’re expecting me to use this on my body without knowing what kind of polymer it really is?”

Jess: “I’m really sorry I guess I’m confused, I just don’t really know umm what that has to do with anything.”

Me: “Jess, let me tell you it makes all the difference in the world. The human body doesn’t react well to all polymers. If it’s a polymer with a polypropylene additive then I would not want that anyplace near my body, do you know what I mean Jess?”  

Jess: [Very long pause…] “Dick all I can really tell you is the product is well tested and it’s safe.”

Me: “Ok, good that’s a relief. Do you test on animals?”

Jess: “I’ve been told that after the product was deemed safe in the lab it was then tested on animals.”

Me: “I see, what kind of animals?”

Jess: “I’m not sure.”

Me: “I’m curious, if you tested an eyelash product on a cat I’d pay top dollar to see that shit!!” [doing all I can not to laugh now]

Jess: “I’m just not sure what it was tested on, if you have more specific questions I’d be happy to get in touch with my lash leader to get more info.”

Me: “I’m sorry did you just say, ‘lash leader?”

Jess: “Yes, I did.”

Me: “So is that like your boss?”

Jess: “Yes, it is.”

Me: “Yeah, I’d love to know more about the specific type of polymer, if it was tested on animals, if so I’d like to see pictures. Also, one other question, that I’m certain you can answer; your ad mentions that these lashes are 3D?”

Jess: “That is correct.”

Me: “How does that work, do I need to wear those special classes like I do at the movies to really be able to tell, because I think that’s really stupid. I have to pay extra for those movies, and why? Just for the stupid glasses. They could at least throw a guy a free popcorn or something for the trouble. Did you know that movie theatres have a 1400% profit margin on popcorn? That should be criminal. What’s your profit margin on these lashes by the way?”

Jess: [now she’s really shaken] “Sir…ugh I mean Dick. No, you do not have to wear special glasses. And I’m sorry I’m not really at liberty to discuss my profit margin. Did you have any other questions, or did you want to talk about getting you set up with some of the product?”

Me: “No Jess, I’m not at all interested in using your product. You just passed me on the highway and I was merely entertaining myself on the drive to work.”

Jess: [another long pause] “So you wasted all of this time just to jack with me?”

Me: “Yes! So how’s business?”

Jess hung up on me. Oh well, was a great way to pass a few minutes.