Into the physicians lounge

So this week I found myself at a large hospital for an event. My event ended near lunch time, as I started to ponder my lunch options I reminded myself I was inside the mecca of free food options. I could always do what the nursing staff does and roll up to a patient floor and pillage off a patients meal cart? Nah, usually not very good food. Plan B, figure out where a pot luck or vendor lunch is taking place? Nah, still too much work in a big hospital and results are usually mixed. I decided to go for the gold...the physicians lounge! I'm dressed in a suit so this should work, I'll fit in. In here I'm certain to land free food. Only one problem in these huge places; where exactly IS the lounge at. Not exactly something that is well labeled for obvious reasons.

I began my detective work...step 1, find the name of a prominent physician at the hospital; 30 seconds on google and we're good! I am now equipped with the name of the chief of surgery. Off to the information desk I go.

"Excuse me, I'm here to meet with the Chief of Surgery and they've advised me to meet them in the physicians lounge. I don't work at this hospital and naturally there is no signage to get me to the doctors lounge. Would somebody kindly escort me?"

Naturally this wasn't a normal request, furthermore it was way above the pay grade of the poor lady working the desk. She quickly escalates to a higher power. Shortly after her call another man greets me at the desk and asks me to re-state my request. I explain again. Of course his first course of action is he wants to call the chief of surgery to confirm. Any guesses on how likely the chief of surgery is to answer a call from a person they don't know? Yeah...exactly. Of course I was also pretty sure he called the docs office phone...even less likely. By now I'm getting hungry and needing to rush this along.

I tell the gentlemen, "Look, I've waited 3 months for this appointment and if I miss it this will be bad. Now can somebody kindly direct me to the doctors lounge?" After much hesitation I'm walked to the lounge. He stands outside the door with me like something will magically happen. Ugh...ok, I've got more work to do. I tell the guy, "I'm pretty sure you're going to need to buzz me in, I was told I'd only have 20 minutes with the chief of surgery over lunch." Again after much hesitation he lets me in, I was hopeful he'd let me in and simply leave, no dice. Now I have to shake this guy. I finally tell him, "Look, I don't see the chief in here. You know how it is with a person of that importance. I'll just wait in here and hopefully they are not far behind." He waits a few minutes and finally tells me he's going to leave. FINALLY!

So now I make my way over to the food. A lovely spread!

As I sat down to enjoy my spoils of my efforts I look up to see another doc in scrubs and a white coat headed my way. He's got a plate full of food and a phone stuck in his ear. While still gabbing on the phone about elevated enzyme levels he gestures as if it's ok for him to sit at my table. Well, sure why not! After 5 minutes pass he's still on the phone discussing highly important doctor stuff. He finally hangs up and commences to filling his pie hole. He never looks up from his plate and says, "Man, I was on call this weekend and it was brutal!" Ohh...he wants to talk shop, sure let's play along. I said "I feel ya man, when I'm on call I just don't make any plans. And you can just forget trying to get a round of golf in. Sure as hell you get to the back 9 and some inconsiderate dude decides to need an appendix removed!" He laughed and then went off on some dissertation about how the partners in his group are old and lazy and if it wasn't for him they'd be in bad shape. I continue to play into his ego, by my math this dude is about my age which would put him as the young guy in his surgical group. I keep at it asking him more questions about his favorite topic; himself!

This goes on for over 30 minutes. He's gladly answering one question right after another about himself and his work. Meanwhile I'm eyeing my dessert options, while in the back of my mind thinking surely at some point this self-centered jack-wagon is going to start asking me about my speciality and my group. Nope, not a word! So finally I circle him back and start asking him more about his golf game. I hear it all, his clubs, what balls he uses, you name it. To this point he still has not even asked me what my name is. All of this is in between phone calls that he pauses to take. Finally as I'm enjoying some lovely pie he gets yet another call, he gets up from table, clearly his presence his needed elsewhere. As he goes to walk away he pulls the phone down and looks at me and says, "Hey man, call me! Let's find a time to golf!" Ok, dude, great plan. You never even asked what my name was, nor did you ever tell me yours. Perhaps I should swing by for lunch again tomorrow and get his contact info?