It had been awhile. This morning on the way in I’m passed by
a car with all kinds of fun advertisement on the back window. It says, “Ask me
about amazing 3D eyelashes.”
Well, I’ll be damned, I will do just that. After all she had
so kindly placed her phone number on the back of her car. I figured this was
just a good of way as any to occupy myself on the drive into work.
I dial the number, she picks up the phone and I hear, “Hi
this is Jessica and I’d love to tell you about 3D lashes!” Holy shit, we’ve got
a live on here.
Me: “Well good morning Jess, I’m sure you don’t mind if I
call you Jess…anyway, I saw your ad and I was thinking that my life would really
be more complete if I learned a little bit more about 3D lashes.”
Jess: “Ummmm, ok sure, yes I love the 3D lash product and I’d
love nothing more than to tell you all about it’s greatness. Are you inquiring
for your wife or significant other?”
Me: “Jess, let’s not get tripped up in the details just yet
around who it’s for, why don’t you just tell me more about this product that
you clearly seem very excited about?”
Jess: “Oh, yes, of course. May I ask whom I’m speaking with?”
Me: “Well, of course. My name is Richard, my friends call me
Riche, but you may call me Dick for short.”
[That one clearly takes her off guard, but she pushes on
with her pitch. I’m sure it was deeply engrained into her at the pyramid, brain
washing session]
Jess: “Ok…….Well Dick the 3D lash product that I represent takes
your normal lashes, or I guess the lashes of whomever this is for and uses a
special polymer to enhance them…
Me: [I interject at this point] Slow down there a bit tonto.
Tell me more about this polymer.
Jess: “What do you mean sir?”
Me: “What kind of polymer is it specifically? “
Jess: “I’m not sure I understand your question sir?”
Me: “Please call me Dick for short. I hear sir and I look
for some military drill sergeant. I just want to know what type of polymer you
use? Or is that some sort of secret ingredient?”
Jess: “Well Dick….[clearly frustrated at this point] I guess
I don’t really know.”
Me: “Surely it’s published somewhere? I mean after all you’re
expecting me to use this on my body without knowing what kind of polymer it
really is?”
Jess: “I’m really sorry I guess I’m confused, I just don’t
really know umm what that has to do with anything.”
Me: “Jess, let me tell you it makes all the difference in
the world. The human body doesn’t react well to all polymers. If it’s a polymer
with a polypropylene additive then I would not want that anyplace near my body,
do you know what I mean Jess?”
Jess: [Very long pause…] “Dick all I can really tell you is
the product is well tested and it’s safe.”
Me: “Ok, good that’s a relief. Do you test on animals?”
Jess: “I’ve been told that after the product was deemed safe
in the lab it was then tested on animals.”
Me: “I see, what kind of animals?”
Jess: “I’m not sure.”
Me: “I’m curious, if you tested an eyelash product on a cat
I’d pay top dollar to see that shit!!” [doing all I can not to laugh now]
Jess: “I’m just not sure what it was tested on, if you have
more specific questions I’d be happy to get in touch with my lash leader to get
more info.”
Me: “I’m sorry did you just say, ‘lash leader?”
Jess: “Yes, I did.”
Me: “So is that like your boss?”
Jess: “Yes, it is.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d love to know more about the specific type of
polymer, if it was tested on animals, if so I’d like to see pictures. Also, one
other question, that I’m certain you can answer; your ad mentions that these
lashes are 3D?”
Jess: “That is correct.”
Me: “How does that work, do I need to wear those special
classes like I do at the movies to really be able to tell, because I think that’s
really stupid. I have to pay extra for those movies, and why? Just for the
stupid glasses. They could at least throw a guy a free popcorn or something for
the trouble. Did you know that movie theatres have a 1400% profit margin on
popcorn? That should be criminal. What’s your profit margin on these lashes by
the way?”
Jess: [now she’s really shaken] “Sir…ugh I mean Dick. No,
you do not have to wear special glasses. And I’m sorry I’m not really at
liberty to discuss my profit margin. Did you have any other questions, or did
you want to talk about getting you set up with some of the product?”
Me: “No Jess, I’m not at all interested in using your
product. You just passed me on the highway and I was merely entertaining myself
on the drive to work.”
Jess: [another long pause] “So you wasted all of this time
just to jack with me?”
Me: “Yes! So how’s business?”
Jess hung up on me. Oh well, was a great way to pass a few
minutes.
