Just had to make the dreaded call to customer service. I detest where our society has gone with this. The agent on the phone spent more time asking me questions specific to, "Sir when you receive the survey would you feel comfortable giving me a 10 out of 10." Well...I did hear that this call was being recorded for quality assurance. Boy oh boy will the quality assurance manager have some fun with this one.
So I respond to her, "I'm not much of a numbers guy...but if asked I'd say the service was ok."
Clearly not good enough,
"Thank you sir, but was there anything else I can do in order to ensure you give me a 10?"
I then ask,
"Are there sub categories to this survey? You're asking me how I'd rate you, but I haven't yet seen the survey."
Response, "Well, sir I'm looking for an overall 10 out of 10, so that I met your needs in all areas."
I respond with,
"Well, I was calling about a problem, in a perfect world your company would not have made a mistake and I wouldn't have to take precious time away from my star wars action figures to make this phone call."
Her reply, "Well, yes sir, but this survey is not about the mistake that was made, but rather about the issue I assisted you with."
Ok, now it's time for some real fun.
"So if I follow that logic construct I could go home and punch my old lady right in the mouth, but then make her a nice home cooked meal and ask her to rate my effectiveness as a husband, but expect her to isolate her ratings based only on the meal I prepared?"
LONG SILENCE ensues..."ummm sir, I can't really speak to that I'm simply trying to ensure I provided you with outstanding service...."
Having working in customer service I know these things are also timed, agents are rewarded for how many calls they can take in an hour...time to skew the average a tad.
"Well, I hear what you're saying Esmeralda, however, I truly fear society has put far too much emphasis on the impact of quantitative measures. While I agree they hold value, we must not lose sight of the value that can be derived from the qualitative narrative a customer can provide. Now, Esmeralda do you know why there is so much emphasis on the quantitative measures? [she tries to interject, I push ahead], I'll tell you why Esmeralda, quantitative is easy, in fact any ass-hat middle manager type with a 3rd graders knowledge of excel can report these numbers up the ole corporate flag pole and brag about how their units ratings are 9.6 out of 10, it's quick and easy like a Las Vegas hooker. But qualitative, now that takes time, it's the work of a pro. One most invest effort, focus on sentiment analysis, really dig in, and Esmeralda, I tell, those who take that time are rewarded with a treasure trove of data that is sweeter than a plate for a bacon on a sweat pants Sunday! Do you get me Esmeralda?"
Very, very long silence..."Sir...is there anything else I can help you with today?" I decide this is probably enough torture. " No Esmeralda, I do believe I'm good, have yourself a nice day now. Alrighty then, bye bye now."
