Booze-How it's done

Greetings amazing people!
So, a slightly different topic for this time around. If you've ever been on a cruise or plan on going, read on. If not...go back to whatever you were doing.

So, if you've ever been tempted to climb aboard one of the amazing cities at sea it's a great time. You're lured in under the false construct of pre-paid. That is you pay up front for your cruise which typically includes your room, meals, and entertainment. In most cases it pretty much stops right there. Some will toss in soft drinks, but not all. So unless you're content with water, tea or coffee, open your wallet....or follow my plan for drunken cruise line success without requiring a 4th mortgage.

It really is a lovely game they play. Upon boarding: boom your credit card is linked up to your shipboard account. Your cash and plastic are worthless once onboard. So now that the man has effectively separated you from your money, hold onto something here it comes. Prepare yourself for the best bar service of your life. I mean you can't turn around without some dude offering to fetch you a cocktail. And now that you're separated from your money you blindly hand over that shipboard card and the charging free for all begins. Things are going well until you wake up on the last morning of your cruise, suddenly the fun is over and the helpful bar staff is nowhere to be seen and they've been replaced with your bill which is waiting for you. If you listen closely at 7am on the last day you can hear grown men cry. You can also hear wives yelling things like, "HOW MUCH DID YOU DRINK BOB?" Meanwhile many are left pondering where they turn to get a little hair of the dog! Instead you have a sore ass from the bar tab which by the way has already been charged to your credit card. Now you get to schlep you and your family off the ship with every other irritable asshole.

Ok, so how do we ease the pain? Well, the cruise lines have gotten better over the years and will let you bring a little bit of booze on, but 2 bottles of wine will hardly get you though a 7-8 day cruise.

Step 1:
Pick up a couple boxes of wine. Each one of these boxes is 3 liters. PS: If you're too good for boxed wine we can't be friends.

Step 2:
Remove that yummy refreshment from the box. Ok, now it looks a little less obvious, however you still might not get it past the half-wits checking out your luggage.

Step 3:
Wrap the wine so that the dispensing spout is covered and use a food saver to vacuum seal the bag of wine. Next up, use a label maker. Make it look as follows. So, now your forbidden bag of wine looks like an innocent IV bag. Tell me; what cruise line wants to be on the hook for taking your bag of IV fluids? Nope, you're right, they're gonna let that pass right on through. And now...bingo you've got your booze on board!

So some of you will say this won't work. True, it might not. What's the risk? This was $30 worth of wine, and 10 minutes of my time. Care to guess how much 6 liters of wine would cost you aboard a cruise ship? I'll risk that $30 every time!

Happy drinking my friends!

Florida Bathroom Break

Yesterday I arrive at the airport in Orlando to fly home to Kansas City. Like many I always make it a point to use the bathroom in the airport before boarding the plane in hopes of avoiding having to use the super-tiny crapper in flight. I’m the first to admit this is a challenge to all, but when you’re as tall as I am you can't even stand up straight it is awful. I give equal pity to the woman who actually have to sit on that god forsaken pile of disgust.

Anywho, I head into the airport bathroom in lovely Orlando. Much to my surprise there is a line in the men’s room. I’m not talking 2 or 3 deep I’m talking we’re at a football game that just went to halftime and every dude in the place runs for beer and pee time sized lines. Naturally obligatory guy small talk starts up. Most of it geared around how much money we all just dropped to pay homage to the mouse of Florida. Finally, I said, “Wow…I’m really surprised we’re having to wait just to pee?” The guy in front of me agrees. Time to make my move. I fire back with, “I mean really this is a big let down for me. This is my first time in a public men’s room since my gender re-assignment surgery. My therapist and I have been talking about this day for weeks and he told me how liberating it would be to finally have the confidence to use a public restroom post-op AND not have to wait like I always did as a woman.”

Two things instantly happened, 1. 4 guys decided they were no longer going to use that restroom and they left faster than a baby-daddy when the child support was due, 2. You could have heard a pin drop in that bathroom. The guy I was talking to in front of me turned around and acted like I was not there. As luck would have it two urinals right next to each other opened up and I ended up right next to him. I looked over and said, “Are we supposed to talk about sports while we do this? Or do we talk about boobs or something?” No answer from him. So then I ask, “How does this stack up against other men’s rooms? Are others nicer? Are all airport bathrooms the same?” I’m pretty sure he didn’t even finish going and all of a sudden he’s running from the bathroom and doesn’t even wash his hands. I had hoped he would end up on the same flight as me so I could continue to torment him, but no luck.

Oh well, until next time Florida!