Well, car boredom got the best of me again. This morning a
car passes me on the highway with more lovely back window logo/propaganda
feces. This time it was a Scentsy rep.
As a side note, this lady has devoted the entire back of her car to candles?
Aim high people, achieve your goals. This one was just to tempting for me. So I
dial the number…
Candle Lady: “It’s a
great day to bring Scentsy into your life this is Karen!”
What fresh hell is this…”bring Scentsy into my life?” Are we
talking about Jesus or candles here lady? This could be more fun than I
thought.
Me: Hi Karen you sound
quite bubbly for 9:30 am on a gloomy day, have you been drinking?
Candle Lady: Ummm, no
I have not. How can I help you?
Me: Yes Karen besides
me being overly intrigued as to why you’re so perky pre-10am without the use of
booze, I was wondering if you could sell me some candles?
Candle lady: YES YES
OH MY GOD YES!!
At this point I’m not sure if she’s answering my questions or
pleasuring herself while driving
Naturally Karen is about to lose it because now she knows
I’m wanting to buy her crap from the almighty pyramid scheme. Karen knows if
this keeps up she could move one more notch up in the grand screw the man
scheme and perhaps even work herself towards a pink Cadillac or whatever fancy
bling the top candle reps get.
Me: Karen this is
great news. I’ve been looking all over for somebody like you. My friends and I
have a fairly large need for quality candles and scents if you can provide for
us this could be a great business relationship for us.
Candle lady: I’d be
happy to help, can we talk more about your candle and scent needs?
I now find myself wondering if this dialogue is coming
directly from the Scentsy play book.
Me: Karen my friends
and I gather often, illuminations and scents are a critical element to our
gathering…
At this point Karen cuts me off to interject and I can’t
help but wonder if she’s done a line of blow with her breakfast.
Candle lady: OH YES!
Candles and scents really help make the moment don’t they?
This is now starting to sound more like a Cialis commercial,
“when a normal moment becomes a special moment.”
Me: Well Karen as I
was saying…we need candles and scents for our gathering.
Candle lady: Ok,
great! What type of candles and scents were you thinking about?
Me: Well, I don’t want
something over-powering, no strong scents.
Candle lady: Sure no
problem, what style did you want?
Me: Something with a
nice glow
Candle lady: Well many
of our warmers put off a lovely glow and also release a great scent into the
room.
She babbled on for over 5 minutes on this one and I honestly
only caught about half of it
Me: Again the scent
can’t be too strong…we can’t anger the sprits
Candle lady: Sir? The
spirts?
Me: Yes, lets not
anger the supreme power I don’t need a curse on my ass do you?
Candle lady: I don’t really
think I understand…
Me: Well my friends
and I hold a regular séance. The spirts of the afterworld are really
particular, no detail can be left to chance. If I start burning your pumpkin
spice cherry flower fart scent the sprits will likely not be happy. We’ve come
a long way in the last few sessions and I can’t afford to mess this one up. We
already had to kick Frank out of the group because he got all squeamish when we
sacrificed a chicken in the last session.
Candle lady: YOU
SACRIFICED A CHICKEN?
Me: Yes, we did. Frank
used to eat KFC all the time and didn’t think twice, but we off a chicken in
the name of the dark afterworld and Frank loses his shit. I don’t have time for
him anymore. He’s either with us or not. Just like you Karen. I need a person I
can trust.
Very long pause…
Candle lady: I think
there has been a very big misunderstand here sir.
Me: No Karen, no
misunderstanding at all. I’m prepared to put in a large order. I trust you can
deliver them to the cemetery on Halloween?
Candle lady: Uhh….No
sir, I’m really sorry I just can’t do that.
Me: So you don’t want
my business?
Candle lady: I really
need to go now
Me: You really shouldn’t
hang up on me, that would be unprofessional.
Candle lady: Why did
you call me?
Me: Because I was
driving into work this morning and you passed me. I saw your number on the back
of your car. I figured since you decided to devote your entire back glass to
your love of a single product this would at least be entertaining. I was right.
Candle lady: Is this
some kind of joke?
Me: Yes, Karen I’m
jacking with you
Candle lady: You’re
not some sick freak that kills chickens in a cemetery?
Me: Well, I am a bit
odd yes, but no I’ve never killed a chicken in a cemetery.
Candle lady: You
called me just for entertainment?
Me: Yes, I did, phone
sex has gotten far too expensive
Candle lady: You’re an
@sshole….go @#$# yourself!
Me: Karen???
She hung up…oh well. It was fun while it lasted!
Who should I call next?
